Philosophers Corner

It was that great philosopher, and fictional character, Forrest Gump who seems to be most famous for saying that "Shit happens", although Shit happens is a common slang phrase. It is used as a simple existential observation that life is full of imperfections, or "C'est la vie". The phrase is an acknowledgment that bad things happen to people for no particular reason, or so it seems to them, ahemmm! There are also minced oath forms, such as "stuff happens" or "it happens" . . . even "shift happens", apparently!

Anyway, here in Philosophers Corner, we have taken an in-depth look at the worlds philosophical approach to the happenings with regard to Forrest Gump syndrome . . .  

Taoism: Shit happens

Confucianism: Confucius says: "Shit happens"

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism: This shit has happened before

Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Protestantism: Let the shit happen to someone else

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Sufism: The wise man never notices shit happening

Christian Science: If shit happens, pretend it doesn't really exist

Solipsism: Shit happens because I wish it

Mysticism: Just experience shit happening 

Asceticism: If shit happens, renounce it

Agnosticism: Nobody knows why shit happens

 Gnosticism: I know why shit happens but won't tell you

Atheism: Shit just happens and that's all there is to it

Cartesianism: Shit happens to me, therefore I exist

Platonism: There is ideal shit happening somewhere

Stoicism: I don't care if shit happens

Epicureanism: Let's party while shit doesn't happen

Cynicism: Of course shit happens

Occultism: Shit materializes from other planes of existence

Terrorism: Shit will happen unless you do as I say

Pollyanism: It's so nice that shit happens!

Puritanism: S** can happen all day as long as you don't call it that

Behaviorism: You are conditioned to having shit happen

Freudianism: If shit happens, it's your mother's fault

Parapsychology: Shit happens without material causes

Surrealism: Purple shit happens near melting clocks

Cubism: If shit happens, you won't recognize it

Cultural relativism: Shit happens everywhere differently

Optimism: If shit happens, we'll find a way to use it

Pessimism: If shit happens, there won't be enough for everybody

Tabloid Sensationalism: Green shit from Mars happens to Elvis clone

Biblical Creationism: Shit happens because God created it

Secular Humanism: Shit happens because it evolved from primitive shit

Scientific Reductionism: If shit happens, find out what kind exactly

Scientific Obscurantism: Amorphous excrement does occur in given cases

Bureaucracy: I don't care if shit happens as long as you fill out the forms

Feminism: Women demand to have shit happen

Ecology: If organic shit happens, it's OK

Capitalism: Let's profit from shit happening

Socialism: If shit happens, let's distribute it equally

Patriotism: Our shit is better than your shit

Conservatism: They don't make even shit happen like they used to

Liberalism: Shit shouldn't happen tomorrow

Classical Physics: Shit does not 'happen', it just moves around

Quantum Physics #1: Shit happens but you can't say both where and when

Quantum Physics #2: Shit happens in discrete quanta called shitons

Holistic Physics: If shit happens, it happens everywhere at once

Microcomputing: If shit happens, we'll fix it in the next version

Computer Science: All shit can in principle happen on a Turing Machine

Applied Mathematics: The probability of shit happening approaches unity

Engineering: When shit happens, paint over

Medicine: If shit happens, take two Aspirins and call me in the morning

Economics: Shit happens because there's a great demand for it

Politics: If shit happens, make a deal with it

Diplomacy: Let's pretend shit doesn't happen

 . . . then of course there is Forrest Gump himself . . .

Gumperism: Mama always said, shit is as shit does

. . and not forgetting that great Philosopher of the Cartoon world, Homer Simpson . .

Homerism: Why does shit always happen to me? D'oh!

We, the Management at Philosophers Corner, take no responsibility for the subsequent amount of shit you experience over the following days, weeks, months, years . . .

 . . . you really should know better than to read shit like this!